i dropped baby girl off with him today until saturday. we actually talked about a lot and i wasn’t planning on it. broke down pretty bad in the mall parking lot.
i’m not ready to recap it yet though. maybe tomorrow.
tonight, i dance with moscato.
calm went away.
still feel the pain but i think i’m going numb.
i feel oddly calm today. this feeling is foreign and feels wrong. i don’t know if it’s because i have the car back, a job interview lined up, or because i have a wonderful old friend who is stepping back up into my life and helping me.
i gave up everything for my family and that was wrong, i should have never given up my friends like i did. never again, i need to find a balance between “mom” and “me”. and frankly, i’m excited to find that balance.
i’m still angry and hurt by everything and i can feel the pain creep up inside of me but it hasn’t overflowed today (yet). we’ll see where the day takes me.
the house man. the house the house the house. the house gave me hope that i would climb out of this depression. the house gave me hope for another baby. the house gave me hope for us.
and he cheated the month that we closed on it.
but he kept talking about our future, more babies, how amazing the house would be.
but he lied.
it was all lies.
lies lies lies.
i just want to stop caring. i want to stop feeling. i hate him and i hate that i hate him.
we didn’t deserve this. this is bullshit.
it’s been a week since i found out. I turn around and look over at my daughter sleeping on the twin bed that we now share at my parent’s house and it breaks my heart. She doesn’t know what’s going on, she just thinks we’re at grandma and grandpa’s house and always asks when we’re going to go back home to daddy. Oh baby, this is our new home. No, mama! I want my home back! I want my room back!
me too baby. i want all of those back too.
I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes I just picture them. It’s a nightmare over and over again, on constant replay in my head.
I can count number of meals I have eaten on one hand these past seven days.
I just think of the perfect man he was for seven yeas and am so heartbreakingly disappointed that he turned out to be scum. I can’t believe that, I can’t process it. It goes against everything I thought I knew about the world. The oceans would have dried up before I thought he’d ever cheat.
i just want all of this to go away. i just want to grab my baby girl and leave, start fresh somewhere new and forget he ever existed.
this is my life now. 