talked.

so we talked.  i apologized.  he was extremely mad but softened up when i told him that i was wrong to erase his phone and why i made that rash decision.  

he also thinks he may have a future with the homewrecker.  look, i want him to be happy, even though he doesn’t deserve it, but i really do.  but if we’re going to successfully co-parent then i need to respect whoever he decides he wants to get serious with him.  his past self would have never respected anyone who slept with a married man.  his past self would be disgusted by this.  this is why i feel like i don’t even know him, because now he’s catching feelings for someone who did what he would have been repulsed by and has been repulsed by before.  he claims that she had no idea what was going on in our marriage, she just slept with him since November because he came to her.  sorry to break it to him, no decent human being would accept that offer, knowing that we were married.  hell, the bitch has been out shopping with me last spring, she’s been to my house plenty of times.  so she can’t claim ignorance.  what kind of person does that, and does he really want to get into something serious with that type of person?  i know he did wrong too but he can still control his future.  

he says he still loves me.  he still misses me.  so i asked him, if he still loved me then he would never bring his daughter around homewrecker.  never.  he said he’ll think about it.  i don’t think he has thought anything through about what kind of person she is and his future, so i hope he gets his shit together.  she will never be accepted by his mother, brother, their families, none.  they want absolutely nothing to do with her and they have expressed that to me.  so what kind of future is that if he decides to pursue that particular relationship?  i’ll always be around during birthdays and holidays and such, so were is she going to be?  and it’s just her, if he meets someone else and he’s happy then i can respect whoever it is.  but her?  no.  not going to happen.  i can get over being lied and cheated on, i can forgive that.  because i will always love him.  maybe we can be friends one day, who knows?  but her?  nah, no love for her.  fuck her.  she doesn’t deserve his family, she doesn’t deserve to have my child in her life.  she doesn’t deserve shit.  

i hope that asshole thinks deep about this shit that i told him.  he hasn’t been thinking very well for quite some time now, maybe our conversation will light a spark in his mind.  i fucking hope so.

finally.

i can’t believe that i’m finally seeing what a worthless piece of shit he is.  i seriously had no idea.  i got mad a erased his phone through icloud.  yes, that was extremely wrong and i regretted it immediately.  it was harsh and not thought out.  but he was scaring me.  hinting at him taking her for weekdays and i for weekends.  no, he took everything that i knew about life and took it, he will not take my daughter from me.  so yes, i made a rash and regretful decision to erase his iphone.  

i figured, let’s start fresh with our conversations.  we talk of nothing but our daughter and divorce.  he then threatened to not only not pay for the divorce, but also change the financial terms that we have already agreed upon in the petition for divorce if i didn’t start being civil.  he wants to fuck me over financially but still claim that he is taking care of his daughter.  i’m a bitch, i’m the worst person in the world, he’s not even surprised because i’ve always been this way.  i’m fine with being civil from this point on, just don’t talk to me about anything else.  you wanted that before and now you’re getting it.

who the hell is he?  who has this stranger been for the past 7 years?  i cannot wrap my head around all this.  he was perfect.  i know i was not.  but my love for him and our family kept me chugging everyday.  nobody saw this coming.  not even me.  now everything i know is a lie, which is why i insisted everything be put in writing because i couldn’t even trust him with some damn wedding vows, how can i trust him with anything, even if it’s regarding his daughter?  how do i know if he may one day decide to turn on her too?  i don’t know this person at all.  

he’s making it seem like he’s the victim in all of this.  he really isn’t.  our marriage was apparently a toxic thing but nobody, and i mean nobody, deserves getting cheated on.  cheating is not fixing or ending things, it’s completely selfish.  he basically said “fuck my family” when he decided to cheat on me.  and every time, for four months, that we went back.  yet i’m the selfish one?  

i finally have seen what a lie these past seven years have been.  and save for my daughter and the wonderful friends and family i have now, i regret those seven years.  

disgust.

he disgusts me.  so fucking much.  i want to spit on him when i see him.  

i never thought i would ever feel this way about him.  never in a million years.  even if we didn’t work out, i would still love him.  but he cheated.  that’s nasty.  now i wish these past 7 years never happened, save for my beautiful daughter.  

sick.

yes, i know i was sick for a long time.  cold.  distant.  i pushed him away.  and to him, that’s why he cheated.

but even though i had demons in my head 24/7, i still had hope.  i still had hope that we had a future where we loved each other.  god, i loved him.  i still do but now he disgusts me.  but damn, i knew i wasn’t the easiest to live with but nobody deserves this.  and he confirmed that he would have never left, he would have just continued on living a life of lies.  how gross is that?  

nobody is perfect but damn if i didn’t give him everything i possibly could.  and he took it and spit on it.  

angry.

i so mad that he did this to us.  i just, my mind just keeps playing these horrible visuals over and over in my mind.  it’s torture and i can’t get it to stop.

i want to hurt both of them.  i want to see them in physical pain that matches my emotional pain.  i want to relish in that.

but i won’t.  i can’t.  i have to be here for my daughter, i have to rise up beyond this.

but right now i just feel like i’m in a black hole and i can’t get out.  please, i just want to get out of this.

hate.

i hate him so much.  hatehatehatehatehate.  

but i love him.  i always will.  but i hate him for ruining everything.  hate him for not even trying to make things work, hate him for feeding me months of false hope and plans for our future, hate him for destroying everything that i’ve ever known.  hate him for destroying our family, my daughter will not remember her parents ever loving each other.  

jesus fucking christ, why the fuck did this have to happen?  what the fuck is wrong with him?  this shit is disgusting and i hate it and i hate him.  

reject.

just as soon as i feel better about myself, i got my shit together, all is good in the hood…

…that bitch rejection pops up out of nowhere and i feel so incredibly unwanted.

seeing.

when i see him i want to hold him.  he still disgusts me but i just miss him (well, who he was before he became a stranger) so much.

his touch, the feel of his body, his lips.  i want him to just hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.

i fucking hate this.