audacity.

he has the audacity to be angry with me for breaking up with homewrecker?

dude, you started this mess.  you created it.  if it were up to me, you would fall in love with her and she would stomp on your heart, like the heartless bitch she is, and put you through the pain that you caused me.  i would wish for that to happen a million times in your life and for your heart to be broken on your deathbed once again.  i would wish for you to be out on the streets, with nothing to your name but an arrest record.  I would wish for everyone in your life to cast you out of it so you can feel alone and rejected and hate every minute of your life.

but i don’t wish that. 

i wish for you to straighten up your life, pick up the pieces of yourself that you destroyed by getting with her, and attempt to fix yourself and become even just a shadow of the great man that you once were.  i want you to work on that every minute of your life.  i want you to find someone who is a good person, to fall in love with a wonderful woman, so i can happily welcome her into my child’s life.  i want to be able to trust that she will be a positive figure in pookie’s life and be able to smile and know in heart that she is in good hands when I hand her over to you two.  

you can control your future.  every single person that you meet from here on out has the potential to become permanent. and with every handshake, every hello, you should be thinking of your daughter.  you should ask yourself, “is this the type of person i want in her life?” every single thing you do, every decision you make, will impact not only your life but it will impact her life too.  

so don’t have the audacity to be angry with me for deciding that no, you don’t want a heartless homewrecker to potentially be in her life.  you don’t want to fall harder for her, and one day consider making that type of person into someone to whom pookie will look up to.  

your mistake is over.  by taking this step, you are regaining control of who you were and of who you will be in the future.  it makes me happy, not to see you in pain, but because it’s such a positive step in the right direction.  i brought this up weeks ago, you thought about it, and you agreed with me.  i am very pleased to have the possibility of trust and hope that you might just be a good father.  

denied.

he’s not allowed to continue to tell me that he loves me.  that he misses me.  no.

you cannot say that anymore.

don’t tell me you love me if you slept with another woman.  don’t tell me that you love me if you’ve built an “emotional connection” with her, and continue to see her after you see the pain the two of you put me though.  don’t tell me you love me after you tell me for over four months that we have a future together.  don’t tell me you love me after lying to me about bringing another child into this world together.  don’t tell me you love me after breaking my heart.

no.  that’s not love.  

you are not allowed to say that anymore.  

 

home.

we have a home now.

my original plans were to rent out a one bedroom apartment, since we shared a twin bed anyways and she’d be gone on the weekends with her dad.  but my bil and sil had a neighbor that had his house up for rent and they thought it’d be a good fit me for us.  it’s a two bedroom house with a huge fenced-in yard.  the location itself is not ideal at all but it’s next door to my amazing bil and sil and their kids, pookie has her own room, and i have my two doggies with me.  and the price is way higher than what i wanted to spend but stbxh promised that he’ll pay the entire thing, so we’ll see if he keeps this promise.

i had to go to our old house to get the dogs and my furniture.  oh my, it is a mess.  my mil is a wonderful woman, and i’m no doctor, but i’m pretty certain that she suffers from severe depression.   she loves her children (8, 8, and 13 are the three youngest), but she neglects the housework.  it’s gotten really bad in the past, i’m talking cleaning the house out with a shovel.  but her moving down here and into the house with stbxh was supposed to be a step towards getting better and he’s supposed to be helping her with that.  man of the house type shit.  but, with him rather wanting to escape rather than confront situations, i pretty much know he doesn’t spend much time in the house besides on the weekend when he has the kid.  so he’s spending time with his little girlfriend when he’s not working instead of spending it with his family and helping care for the living situation of his mother and brothers.

the house was bad.  it smelled like straight up shit and cat piss.  nobody should be living like that, especially minor children.  maybe me taking the dogs out of that equation will help her not be so overwhelmed.  i really feel for her, she’s gone through so much worse shit and for so long, but i feel like i know how she feels.  the playing happy, the unconditional love for her family, yet you feel so stuck and helpless you don’t even want to help yourself.  and you need to help yourself to help your family.

stbxh heard my mouth.  he knows better.  and he’s running away, yet again.  he didn’t try to save us, he’s not trying to save his mom, but he can’t cheat on his mom.  she’s always going to be there and she needs his help.  i wish i could do more for her but i can’t go back to help her every week.  that’s what he is for and he’s not stepping up.

i don’t even know him.

i’m tired.

of crying.

wishes.

i wish he had done anything but cheat.  anything.  i hate hating him.  i’m still in love with him but i hate him, how is that even possible?  i wish i could just forget the pain and run into his arms so he could hold me and tell me that everything is ok.  i wish we could be a family again, with Pookie having two parents who are in love with each other and happy.  Not the broken mess we are now.  No more drop off and pickups, no more split time.  anything else and i would act upon those wishes, i would move mountains so we can be together again.  so we can be happy again.  in love again.  i worked so hard at making our family for seven years, so damn hard and i hate walking away from all of that work.

but it doesn’t matter.  he cheated.  for four months.  all while he was telling me that we would be always and forever, buying a house, and promising me that we’ll grow our family.  he cheated.

he cheated.

he cheated.

he cheated.

i cannot get past that.  as much as i would like to live in la la land and run back to him i cannot get past the cheated.  it’s the one thing i asked him to do and he promised me he would never cheat.  he would leave before he cheated.  and the bastard cheated.

i just want my normal back.  i want my family back.  i feel so bad for Pookie that she will never know of her parents being in love and happy.  she’ll never know what i knew growing up.

aside from my daughter, i feel like 7 years of my life was wasted.  i was working on always and forever and forever has an end.  there is no such thing as forever.  i worked so hard, i gave my family my all.

and we were thrown away.  like fucking trash.  sure, he may have picked the nicest trash can and placed us carefully in it (with his plans of going through and buying a house even though he was already cheating and planning on leaving), he still fucking threw us away.

he never uttered the word “divorce” to me.  i had no idea.  i knew things were rough but i had no fucking clue.  he played happy family, we discussed raising our family in our house that we were renovating, we talked about more kids, we talked about the kids getting old, moving out of the house, and us traveling the world.  all this discussion while he was sleeping with someone else.

the pain of never giving Pookie the sibling that I so desperately wanted for her is the worst pain of it all.  worse than betrayal, heartbreak, and loss of our future.  so much worse.  it was planned to happen this year, we planned it for years.  and now it’s gone.  it’s done.  it hurts the worst.

 

jesus fucking christ, i wish he had done ANYTHING except cheat.  i miss him.

fall.

so ever since that last post, i’ve been on a pretty good high.  hanging out with friends, meeting new people, enjoying time spent with my daughter.  but shit, he decided that he wanted to text me a picture of some bats at his job the other day and thought that i’d enjoy it.  um, no, don’t text me shit like that.  i don’t want to know that you’re thinking of me, or send me little things that we used to send each other all the time to make us smile.  you’re not allowed to do that anymore, you destroyed that.  

so that little text sent me into a serious downward spiral.  now all i think about is my anger and hate for them.  how much resentment i have and how hurt i am.  i didn’t need this, i was doing so good.  now i feel stuck again, stuck in my emotions.  down and down and down i fall, getting hurt on the way down.  i was flying so high and it felt good.  guess nothing lasts forever.

always and forever my ass.