pain.

pain.  hurt.  darkness.  

the cold never bothered me anyways.

last call.

gave him one last chance for us, for our love, for our family.  he was down on working on it, even if shit wasn’t easy.  then one small detail and he’s done.  wants nothing to do with me.  i never betrayed him, i never hurt him, it happened after we broke up.  but now he’s disgusted.  he called me used.

i wanted to make it work despite of what he did to me while we were married.  still want him.  still miss him.  and he’s going to hold this against me?

fuck him.

done.

i agreed to go to counseling with hum, to give it another shot.  even after he destroyed my life and my heart.  i agreed.  and yesterday, he agreed.

now today he’s not sure.  apparently he only asked because he thought i would say no.  but now that i said yes, he has to think about it.

fuck that.  if he won’t swim a thousand seas, if he won’t climb the highest mountain, if he has any doubt in his mind about giving us another shot, i don’t want it.

don’t fuck with me like that.  don’t let me just ride an endless ride on a roller coaster, just going up and down and loop the loop, let me get off if you don’t think the ride will be worth it for you too.

so i told him tonight, give me an answer.  let me sleep.  do you want to give it another shot or not?

he won’t answer me.  he needs to think about it.

no, you had an affair.  you wanted to end things.  you killed my soul.

then you ask if we can try again.  of course i need time to think about it and the next day, i change my no to a yes.  my heart wants to be with you.  i can;t imagine life without you, despite of the nightmare you pout me through.  but now you need time?  no.  it’s either you want to or you don’t.

he couldn’t answer me right away.

so i’m done.  i’m off of the roller coaster.

we will proceed with the divorce.

doubt.

am i dumb for attempting to give this another try?  am i stupid for still wanting him?  

fuck i miss him.  i really do.  why the hell did he have to do this to me?  why are we even here?  

should i just try to move past by myself and tell him i changed my mind?  should i not have hope for a future together?\

will he hurt me again?  will i ever trust him?  

will i even want to be with him after counseling?  do i honestly and truly want to call him my husband again?

will i hate myself for giving him another shot?  what if he changes his mind while he’s away?

what the fuck am i doing?

confused.

we agree to try to make things work, but when i text him he doesn’t answer.  

when i talk to him his voice has a business tone and not an emotional one.  like he’s making a deal or someshit.

but he says he wants me, he says he wants us again.  he wants our family whole again.

is this even worth it?

answer.

after much talk with the best friends a girl can ask for, i’ve agreed to give counseling a chance.  if we can reconcile or not, counseling should be beneficial either way.

i am terrified.

tempted.

i don’t know, i don’t know, i don’t know.

i miss him so much, i really do.

why is this so hard?

counseling.

so weirdly, almost immediately after my last post, he texted me.  asking if i’ll ever be able to forgive him.  i told him i don’t know, because truly, i don’t know.  he broke my heart into a million pieces.  he destroyed my life.  he threw away our family.  he also asked if we could ever be friends.  that is a no.  maybe i’ll forgive him one day, but it won’t be for his benefit.  it’ll be for Pookie’s benefit, so she can have both of her parents with her at important times in her life.  but friends?  no, i fell in love with him as a friend and if i try to be friends again then i may fall in love again.  no i won’t allow my heart to go on that roller coaster ride again.

he wanted to let me know that going to counseling has helped him understand what he could have done, rather than ignore the issues and run away from them.  that relationships need work, even when things seem impossible.  he thought that being a good provider was the same as being a good husband, and that thought process turned him into a workaholic.  he thought he was doing the right then when he should have recognized that staying at his job was just pushing us further away.  dude, i told him this for months, if not at least a year.  he never understood, but it just took cheating on me to understand that.  god, that hurts so bad.  

he also implied that we could maybe work on things, go to counseling to see if we could give it another shot.  my heart was screaming “YES YES YES!” every cell in my body wanted to tell him yes, lets go to counseling to try to work it out.  but my mind, my mind told me that if i did, i would never be able to fully trust him again.  what kind of relationship doesn’t have trust?  i already had a taste of that after he hid the texts last july, and all that did was make me miserable and resentful that he could deleted some damn texts.  he fucked someone else.  i could never, ever get past that.  i would just be living a life of lies and misery and i won’t allow my heart to be hurt by the same man twice.  

i did agree to divorce counseling.  maybe that will help me move past my anger and onto a more peaceful era, where we can co-parent to our best degree and accept that what we had between us is done.  we’ll see.

triggers.

i hate them.  the tiniest triggers send me into a downward spiral of thoughts and visuals and feelings.  i hate it.  i’m so fucking tired of crying and thinking and feeling so fucking rejected.  i just want to make it stop, make it all go away, stop feeling the pain.  i can’t go one day without feeling pain.  i was numb for a little bit and it was nice, but now the feelings have hit me full force again.  i can’t watch tv families without being jealous, i can’t read about sex without seeing visuals, i can’t listen to love song without feeling my heart getting broken all over again.  anniversary and new baby facebook posts are bittersweet.

 

i hate him.  i asked one thing our entire relationship and that was to leave if he ever considered cheating.  just one thing is all i asked.  just one.

 

just one thing.

wtf.

is there something about me that just makes nobody want to be around me?  i feel like my friends never want to be around me.  my family doesn’t want to be around me.  my husband didn’t want to be around me.  

what. the. fuck.