tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of the day i married a future cheater.
i do not plan on coming home, i just plan on shopping, spending time with my daughter, then after she goes to bed at my mom’s house i plan on going out with my friends and getting shitfaced.
happy fucking anniversary, asshole.
i hate my life.
i started singing lullabies to my daughter when she was 3 years, 3 months old and I decided to wean her from breastfeeding to sleep. That would make November ’13 the start of my singing to her. I sang two songs, and now that i look back i must have known something. I sang a sad song of loss and heartbreak, You are my sunshine. I sang a song of hope for happiness, Three little birds. The sad song, i loved it because it was beautiful and i cried every time i sang it. he didn’t know, i would come out of my sleeping baby’s room with dry eyes but i cried, i cried nearly every night. he started the affair in November. i must have known something was wrong, my heart must have known something was amiss. it was breaking before it realized it. I felt it crumbling but i never thought he would actually break it. I just tried singing this to my daughter tonight since she asked for her sunshine song and i couldn’t get past the second verse without her sitting up to hug me and telling me to wipe my tears away.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine awayThe other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.I’ll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You’ll regret it all some day;You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you’ve left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.
This is exactly how i feel.
My sunshine is gone.
today has been a mess for me. so many emotions about what today signifies. i’m so incredibly jealous of everyone on facebook talking about how lucky they are to be married to such great fathers. i posted something like that last year and i can’t believe the difference that one year makes. i never in my life would have thought i’d ever be here.
i gifted stbxh a collage of pictures with “happy father’s day!” at the top but he had to pay for it because i dropped my $20 in gas money yesterday. the rest of my money in my bank account is going to go into my gas tank this week. geez, i can’t wait to get paid on friday but i know it’s going to disappear quickly because i owe so many people money. oh well, it was only $3. He loved it, pookie thought it was hilarious that he had pics of her, and all is well.
why does it feel like i’m always initiating the facetimes? and i reminded him today that he’s not limited to one a day, he can call her whenever he wants. i’ve told him this many times before but i think he feels like he can only faacetime her once a day. no, anytime. as long as we’re in a wifi connected area, i will stop whatever we’re doing so you can see your daughter. i’ve made this clear multiple times but he never does. her facetiming him 3 times today doesn’t only have to happen once a year. and why the hell am i initiating it? if he wants to talk to her then he should, it’s not like i’m all “no you can’t!’ he can see her and talk to her whenever he wants. i’ve made that clear from the beginning but i just feel like he’d rather ignore the fact that he’s a dad. he’s not a bad dad but dammit, he’s done some questionable shit since we split. it makes me wonder if he’ll give up on her like he gave up on me and that breaks my heart more than anything. more than my heart is broken now. she doesn’t deserve to suffer.
gah, again i’m crying. i’m fucking sick of crying. thank god for my counseling appointment tomorrow, i hope it’s the beginning of a beautiful thing.
oh my fucking god it hurts so bad, the pain is just taking over everything in my life. i can’t control the tears anymore. i can’t control my mind anymore. my mind is the most fucked up thing in existance, all it does is remind me. remind me remind me remind me. i can’t listen to music about love. i can’t listen to music about sex. i can’t listen to anything. i have to go to the bathroom at work and cry, cry cry cry and i pretend nobody sees my red puffy eyes when i come back after the tears have passed but they all know, they all know and wonder what the fuck is this new person crying so much about? i fantasize about semi’s t-boning me when i drive through green lights. someone, just take me and take me away and end this suffering.
i’m low, i’m low and i know it and i’m scared. i hate my life. i hate my mind. i hate me.
the only thing i love in this world is my daughter. she is the reason i take each breath, the only reason i smile genuinely. she’s the bright star shining in the dark of night. she’s the reason i want to go back to school and get a career so i can raise her and give her the world, because right now she’s giving me life and i’m so grateful for her.
she wipes the tears from my eyes and tells me “stop crying mama, be happy!” and gives me this amazing ear-to-ear smile that just makes me forget about the pain for a second and puts a smile on my face and heart. she gives me this big hug and kiss and tells me she loves me. she loves me! oh my god she loves me! i know love still exists and she’s the only reason i know.
i can’t wait for counseling on monday. i want to learn how to take her happiness and spread it in all the aspects of my life.
oh, my sweet, sweet daughter. she is truly my everything. without her, i am nothing. without her, i wouldn’t be alive.
but i must live. i have to live, to be happy once again, for her. she deserves nothing less than a happy life with a happy mom. i must strive to achieve that.
she’s the only reason that i fight the demons that taunt me with visions of an easier route. she’s the only reason i’m still grasping hopelessly in the darkness, waiting for the sun to rise.
she deserves a mother in her life. i won’t ever take that away from her.
she’s my everything.
i’ve finally made an appointment to see a counselor. thank lawd for insurance.
i miss him every day. i cry everyday. i hurt everyday. i want to fix this. i hate being like this.
i feel so broken. a million, a billion, a trillion little pieces. my daughter holds all my pieces in in one area but putting the pieces together seems impossible. it hurts so bad, so incredibly bad, the pain that i feel is impossible to bear.
it just hurts, it hurts so bad. i want to be fixed, i want to pick up the pieces, but it’s impossible. there are too many. i’m drowning in the pieces.
i need to quit putting off calling a psychologist. i need help.
I wish i could sleep again. i can’t lay in bed to fall asleep, so i stay up all night to eventually fall asleep watching tv on the couch. i wake up around 3 am, move the kid from her bed into mine, and hope i can fall back asleep right away. sometimes i can, most of the time I can’t. so i’m laying there doing exactly what i was trying to avoid. i’ll read my kindle for about an hour and drift off. but then i’m wide awake at 5:30. wtf.
my dreams can’t even escape the nightmare my life is. i dream about him, i dream about us, and tonight i just dreamt about him listing everything wrong with me. thanks brain, i really needed that.
i just wish i could sleep normally again. this has been going on for months and no matter what i try, i can’t sleep. i’m literally tired of this bullshit.
One BIL, brother to STBXH, took my SIL out to dinner tonight and is surprising her with a new phone.
My other SIL, married to STBXH’s other brother, just IG’d a beautiful photo of him and their kids.
I’m so jealous. I want that back.
this is my life now. 