father’s day.

by dreadloc

today has been a mess for me.  so many emotions about what today signifies.  i’m so incredibly jealous of everyone on facebook talking about how lucky they are to be married to such great fathers.  i posted something like that last year and i can’t believe the difference that one year makes.  i never in my life would have thought i’d ever be here.

i gifted stbxh a collage of pictures with “happy father’s day!” at the top but he had to pay for it because i dropped my $20 in gas money yesterday.  the rest of my money in my bank account is going to go into my gas tank this week.  geez, i can’t wait to get paid on friday but i know it’s going to disappear quickly because i owe so many people money.  oh well, it was only $3.  He loved it, pookie thought it was hilarious that he had pics of her, and all is well.

why does it feel like i’m always initiating the facetimes?  and i reminded him today that he’s not limited to one a day, he can call her whenever he wants.  i’ve told him this many times before but i think he feels like he can only faacetime her once a day.  no, anytime.  as long as we’re in a wifi connected area, i will stop whatever we’re doing so you can see your daughter.  i’ve made this clear multiple times but he never does.  her facetiming him 3 times today doesn’t only have to happen once a year.  and why the hell am i initiating it?  if he wants to talk to her then he should, it’s not like i’m all “no you can’t!’  he can see her and talk to her whenever he wants.  i’ve made that clear from the beginning but i just feel like he’d rather ignore the fact that he’s a dad. he’s not a bad dad but dammit, he’s done some questionable shit since we split.  it makes me wonder if he’ll give up on her like he gave up on me and that breaks my heart more than anything.  more than my heart is broken now.  she doesn’t deserve to suffer.

gah, again i’m crying.  i’m fucking sick of crying.  thank god for my counseling appointment tomorrow, i hope it’s the beginning of a beautiful thing.