shit.

oh my fucking god it hurts so bad, the pain is just taking over everything in my life.  i can’t control the tears anymore.  i can’t control my mind anymore.  my mind is the most fucked up thing in existance, all it does is remind me.  remind me remind me remind me.  i can’t listen to music about love.  i can’t listen to music about sex.  i can’t listen to anything.  i have to go to the bathroom at work and cry, cry cry cry and i pretend nobody sees my red puffy eyes when i come back after the tears have passed but they all know, they all know and wonder what the fuck is this new person crying so much about?  i fantasize about semi’s t-boning me when i drive through green lights.  someone, just take me and take me away and end this suffering.

i’m low, i’m low and i know it and i’m scared.  i hate my life.  i hate my mind.  i hate me.

the only thing i love in this world is my daughter.  she is the reason i take each breath, the only reason i smile genuinely.  she’s the bright star shining in the dark of night.  she’s the reason i want to go back to school and get a career so i can raise her and give her the world, because right now she’s giving me life and i’m so grateful for her.

she wipes the tears from my eyes and tells me “stop crying mama, be happy!” and gives me this amazing ear-to-ear smile that just makes me forget about the pain for a second and puts a smile on my face and heart.  she gives me this big hug and kiss and tells me she loves me.  she loves me!  oh my god she loves me!  i know love still exists and she’s the only reason i know.

i can’t wait for counseling on monday.  i want to learn how to take her happiness and spread it in all the aspects of my life.

my daughter.

oh, my sweet, sweet daughter.  she is truly my everything.  without her, i am nothing.  without her, i wouldn’t be alive.

but i must live. i have to live, to be happy once again, for her.  she deserves nothing less than a happy life with a happy mom.  i must strive to achieve that.

she’s the only reason that i fight the demons that taunt me with visions of an easier route.  she’s the only reason i’m still grasping hopelessly in the darkness, waiting for the sun to rise.

she deserves a mother in her life.  i won’t ever take that away from her.

she’s my everything.

help.

i’ve finally made an appointment to see a counselor.  thank lawd for insurance.

i miss him every day.  i cry everyday.  i hurt everyday.  i want to fix this.  i hate being like this.

broken.

i feel so broken.  a million, a billion, a trillion little pieces.  my daughter holds all my pieces in in one area but putting the pieces together seems impossible.  it hurts so bad, so incredibly bad, the pain that i feel is impossible to bear.

it just hurts, it hurts so bad.  i want to be fixed, i want to pick up the pieces, but it’s impossible.  there are too many.  i’m drowning in the pieces.

i need to quit putting off calling a psychologist.  i need help.

sleep.

I wish i could sleep again.  i can’t lay in bed to fall asleep, so i stay up all night to eventually fall asleep watching tv on the couch.  i wake up around 3 am, move the kid from her bed into mine, and hope i can fall back asleep right away.  sometimes i can, most of the time I can’t.  so i’m laying there doing exactly what i was trying to avoid.  i’ll read my kindle for about an hour and drift off.  but then i’m wide awake at 5:30.  wtf.

my dreams can’t even escape the nightmare my life is.  i dream about him, i dream about us, and tonight i just dreamt about him listing everything wrong with me.  thanks brain, i really needed that.

i just wish i could sleep normally again.  this has been going on for months and no matter what i try, i can’t sleep.  i’m literally tired of this bullshit.

jealousy.

One BIL, brother to STBXH, took my SIL out to dinner tonight and is surprising her with a new phone.

My other SIL, married to STBXH’s other brother, just IG’d a beautiful photo of him and their kids.

I’m so jealous.  I want that back.

today.

today is a bad day.

a very very bad day.

i wish i had an auto-pilot switch, so i can complete escape reality and my mind and everything that hurts while still being there for my daughter.

because i just can’t handle anything right now.  i can’t.  i can’t do anything.  everything is a struggle.

i hate bad days.

they hurt so bad.

please.

can i please have peace?  can i please have more than 5 minutes go by without feeling pain?  without thinking thoughts?

can i have one moment without feeling as if my heart is in a million pieces, heavy in my chest?

please?

pain.

pain.  hurt.  darkness.  

the cold never bothered me anyways.

last call.

gave him one last chance for us, for our love, for our family.  he was down on working on it, even if shit wasn’t easy.  then one small detail and he’s done.  wants nothing to do with me.  i never betrayed him, i never hurt him, it happened after we broke up.  but now he’s disgusted.  he called me used.

i wanted to make it work despite of what he did to me while we were married.  still want him.  still miss him.  and he’s going to hold this against me?

fuck him.