misery.

you don’t know what misery is.

huh?

why do you say you miss her so much, yet when given the opportunity to spend more time together, you deny it? 

choices.

i just wanted him to love me.

but he chose work over me.

i just wanted some family time.

but he chose work over us.

i just wanted to stop hurting.

so i chose to drink at night.

i just wanted us to be happy again.

so we chose to buy a house.

i just couldn’t handle the depression,

so he chose to have an affair.

i just want to be happy again.

everyday.

i miss him.  i want him.  i want us.  

i want our family back.  

i want his love back.

i fucking hate feeling this way all day, every day.

 

constant.

constant pain. everything hurts.

my little ray of sunshine is the only thing that makes me happy and she’s going with her dad for three days. i selfishly don’t want her to go. three days of darkness. i can’t stand the thought. it hurts so much and she helps alleviate the pain, i don’t want to feel the full on pain that i know will descend upon me without having her to come home to.

i’m so scared. tired. in pain. alone.

so alone.

sad.

the heart wants what the heart wants. my heart wants him.

before he cheated, in an alternate universe where he stays the good man he once was and never cheats.

i miss him so much.

anniversary.

tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of the day i married a future cheater.

i do not plan on coming home, i just plan on shopping, spending time with my daughter, then after she goes to bed at my mom’s house i plan on going out with my friends and getting shitfaced.

happy fucking anniversary, asshole.

ICYMI

i hate my life.

subliminal.

i started singing lullabies to my daughter when she was 3 years, 3 months old and I decided to wean her from breastfeeding to sleep.  That would make November ’13 the start of my singing to her.  I sang two songs, and now that i look back i must have known something.  I sang a sad song of loss and heartbreak, You are my sunshine.  I sang a song of hope for happiness, Three little birds.  The sad song, i loved it because it was beautiful and i cried every time i sang it.   he didn’t know, i would come out of my sleeping baby’s room with dry eyes but i cried, i cried nearly every night.  he started the affair in November.  i must have known something was wrong, my heart must have known something was amiss.  it was breaking before it realized it.  I felt it crumbling but i never thought he would actually break it.  I just tried singing this to my daughter tonight since she asked for her sunshine song and i couldn’t get past the second verse without her sitting up to hug me and telling me to wipe my tears away.

You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away

The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

I’ll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You’ll regret it all some day;

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you’ve left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;

You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You’ll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

This is exactly how i feel.

My sunshine is gone.

father’s day.

today has been a mess for me.  so many emotions about what today signifies.  i’m so incredibly jealous of everyone on facebook talking about how lucky they are to be married to such great fathers.  i posted something like that last year and i can’t believe the difference that one year makes.  i never in my life would have thought i’d ever be here.

i gifted stbxh a collage of pictures with “happy father’s day!” at the top but he had to pay for it because i dropped my $20 in gas money yesterday.  the rest of my money in my bank account is going to go into my gas tank this week.  geez, i can’t wait to get paid on friday but i know it’s going to disappear quickly because i owe so many people money.  oh well, it was only $3.  He loved it, pookie thought it was hilarious that he had pics of her, and all is well.

why does it feel like i’m always initiating the facetimes?  and i reminded him today that he’s not limited to one a day, he can call her whenever he wants.  i’ve told him this many times before but i think he feels like he can only faacetime her once a day.  no, anytime.  as long as we’re in a wifi connected area, i will stop whatever we’re doing so you can see your daughter.  i’ve made this clear multiple times but he never does.  her facetiming him 3 times today doesn’t only have to happen once a year.  and why the hell am i initiating it?  if he wants to talk to her then he should, it’s not like i’m all “no you can’t!’  he can see her and talk to her whenever he wants.  i’ve made that clear from the beginning but i just feel like he’d rather ignore the fact that he’s a dad. he’s not a bad dad but dammit, he’s done some questionable shit since we split.  it makes me wonder if he’ll give up on her like he gave up on me and that breaks my heart more than anything.  more than my heart is broken now.  she doesn’t deserve to suffer.

gah, again i’m crying.  i’m fucking sick of crying.  thank god for my counseling appointment tomorrow, i hope it’s the beginning of a beautiful thing.